In the past year, I have learned a lot about gratitude, and honestly it has changed my life. I have found that opening my eyes to the wonders and blessings in this world has made me much happier, but it has also made me feel more alive. I feel like a different person than in previous years, but in ways that have been really good for me. One of the biggest ways I feel I have changed is that fear has far less of a grip on my life than it used to. August through December of last year, I was the MVP of gratitude and taking life by the reigns. I moved abroad, faced so many fears, and made so many new and meaningful connections.
Then, February and March rolled around. COVID-19 became a household name, phrase, joke, threat, and in some ways, a prison. I found myself slipping back into a depression that I hadn’t experienced in maybe nine months- but the severity was something I hadn’t experienced in almost two years. I remember feeling really scared. I wasn’t waking up anywhere before noon, I had no motivation, I was intensely lonely but couldn’t see anyone, and I had a panic attack. One panic attack is a big deal when you haven't had one in over a year. One panic attack after a year is a big deal when you used to have them every day.
Two summers ago, I was smack dab in the middle of the most intense mental health crisis I have ever experienced. I was having panic attacks every day, sometimes more than once. I think it can be common for people to feel like they don’t have the strength or drive to keep going in life, but I was legitimately afraid of being left alone some days. Needless to say, I am so happy and grateful to no longer be in that space. However, when COVID was new to us but still in full swing, I was experiencing some of these things, and I was terrified it was going to bring me back to that dark place.
I truly have had an issue owning the difficulties that I have been facing because of this virus. That difficulty has come from a place of wanting to hold on to my hope and positivity. I have realized that I am very afraid of losing all that I have worked for. Yesterday, I was biking and feeling very discouraged. I remember thinking, I am so scared to admit my feelings of hopelessness because I am supposed to be manifesting good things into the universe, if I am honest about these negative feelings that I have, good things won’t happen. I want good things to happen. I also want to stay hopeful and grateful.
As an informed adult, I can recognize how living out of those fears isn’t realistic, and how those fears do not highlight or encourage the most important thing- wholehearted living. I learned about wholehearted living from Brene Brown, my soul healing super(s)hero. I truly value all that I have learned... that the fear is very real some days. I want to hold on to the progress I have made. When I break down the other things that I have learned, I tell myself that fear is not healthy to feed into, but being honest about my emotions does matter. I am beginning to accept that it’s okay to feel the fear and the sadness, just as long as I don’t hold on to them and let those feelings dictate how I approach each day.
The good news is: I have a good idea of who I want to be. The hard reality is that I have a good idea of who I want to be, but all too often, I feel like I am not getting much closer to becoming her. On an internal level, I know that I am growing and have made significant progress (I seriously am so proud of who I have become), but Corona hit at a time where I was really ready to get my personal and career life on track. I was finally ready, but the road blocks are huge. Honestly, I was going to visit my 30th country in April. I was going to visit my sister in Sydney, Australia, then a friend in New Zealand. I was going to accomplish my goal of thirty by thirty! After that trip, my plan was to come home, establish my career, and hopefully even move to a new state. I was ready to move, to do the things that I've been talking about for the last five or whatever years.. my friends have heard it a million times. Well, here I am. It has not happened. It is okay that I am here, but it can be hard sometimes.
What happened instead? Well! I lost my job, didn’t get to take my last two big trips, did not get to make new friends and determine if life in Minnesota is for me, I got super lonely and started a relationship that I shouldn’t have. I lost my drive to "figure out my life" (it's kinda hard to do that when the entire world is at a stand still), felt very lost and discouraged, felt grateful to be single and childless, because it meant unemployment was enough, but I also slipped back into old habits, opened the door to toxic relationships, disappointed myself, and drank a little more boxed wine than I care to calculate. To be clear, I thoroughly enjoyed every glass of wine I drank, especially when I poured it into a mug at my parents' house. They're not keen on drinking, but I was not keen on staying locked in my tiny house with my roommates. I'm sure you get it.
On a more positive note, I also made a point of going on walks every day, bike rides once the weather was nice enough, I also practiced the guitar and Spanish. That's where the positivity ends.. sorta. Because that wasn’t enough. I wasn’t able to eat and I had trouble sleeping. I stayed up all night a few times. Then Minneapolis erupted into what felt like yet another end of the world staple, and my “schedule” was a thing of the past. We can call it the revolution. I was protesting every day, and spent the time away from those protests feeling sad about society and all of the innocent lives being taken. It's really been a heavy few months, to say the least. I keep saying that on a personal level, 2020 has been just fine. Nothing exciting has happened on either side of the spectrum. The world, however, well... You already know all of that.
This post is quite all over the place, but this is what my mind has been doing the last four months. I am fortunate that I was able to go on a road trip up the West Coast and spend time in nature. It was a new experience for me, I don’t do road trips, I don’t often explore the United States, and I sure as hell don’t camp. As much as I was suffering, I was experiencing healing too. Nature is an amazing thing, it brings us peace. I think it’s because it is where we are meant to be. Time spent in nature heals the soul. The problem is, you always have to come back to the noise, and we are usually not prepared for that. Live concerts and work interactions are my most common noise of choice. I manage to fill my head and my schedule with lots of things that make lots of noise, because that distracts from the cracks I sometimes feel inside of myself. The noise is like patches and fillers for the cracks.
These are some of my favorite things in life, and I miss them terribly. I also am grateful for the good things that have come from this journey. I am learning to sit in the silence and discomfort, to relax and reflect. I have also realized the importance of physical and emotional closeness to the people we love, and the need to cling desperately to our passions and hope. Sometimes those things are all that we have. All in all, I think 2020 has been an excellent teacher. I have seen my community come together to show love, demand change, and support each other through the uncertainty that has become every day life. I am thankful for the ways we have gotten better, and the ways that I have learned to take care of myself. No matter what is going on around us, the number one thing that matters is love.
