In so many ways, it seems like nothing has changed since my first few years out of college. I remember feeling incredibly afraid and sad about graduating. I was not excited to begin a new journey, mostly because I just saw it as the end. Commencement means beginning. In other ways, I can't even remember who I was back then. I was an entirely different person. Overall, I do believe that's a good thing. I have gained a strength and identity that I didn't even know existed.
When I first graduated with my Bachelor's degree, I wanted to be a therapist. I loved people and had an intense feeling of responsibility to them. It did not matter how long I had known them. I loved to help, I wanted to actively care for people, and playing everyone's therapist made me feel like I was needed. I found my worth in taking care of other people. I did not know that was what I was trying to find, but it drove my actions. Many times, I would feel unshakable guilt if I didn't devote all of my time to a friend who was struggling. This resulted in me staying up late so many nights and being late to work the next morning. I put everyone ahead of myself and they put everyone ahead of me. I was okay with that. When they needed someone, I was there. In my mind, that made me special. It set me apart.
My first real job was in Special Education. I fell into the field, but I was good at it. I was naturally able to connect with kids who felt lost, angry, and misunderstood. They loved me, and I learned a lot from them. I learned to love them too. After one full year of truly feeling fulfilled in that role, I started to feel like I was just passing time for a pay check. I was working constantly, twelve out of fourteen days. I didn't know what I was doing, but I wanted to get out of debt. It consumed me, but I wasn't happy in my work. There was a hopelessness that consumed me as well. There was a painful battle going on inside me at all times.
It wasn't until about three years into that career that I realized where my heart truly lies, that my desire to help others was too deeply rooted in a need to feel worthy and loved- a side effect of co-dependency that I inherited from a complicated and lonely childhood. I knew that if I decided to pursue therapy as my career, I would not be able to build a healthy life for myself. I would continue the cycle of getting close to people and losing them. When I was twenty-four, I went through a really confusing and complicated relationship; it really changed me as a person. I did not realize the extent or depth of control that depression could have over someone until this experience. I also started to recognize that the sick feeling I often had in my stomach might be more than just nerves over nothing. I was riddled with stress and confusion; I wanted to travel the world, I wanted to be stable, I wanted to be proud of myself. I wanted my dad to stop being so disappointed in me, and I wanted to feel loved for who I was. Most importantly, I just wanted a job that I felt passionate and excited about. I lost the joy that I had in college. I was consistently busy and stressed in college, but I still felt alive, and like I was a part of something. I believed I mattered- a very big change that I didn't connect the dots on. If I had, I may have spared myself a lot of pain that I would suffer later on in my twenties. The good thing that came of this time is that I realized I am in control of who I become. I can live a beautiful life, if I choose to build it. Travel has been a huge part of my growth journey. I have learned an infinite number of lessons from every plane ticket I have ever purchased, and I have learned the value of effective communication, emotional intelligence, and healthy separation from my time working in special education and caring for students with mental health disorders. To many people, it may have seemed like my travels were just for fun, but I was driven to travel by my need to learn and figure out what I wanted. I couldn't make another life decision without feeling I had the knowledge I needed to do so. When I finally realized what I was passionate about, I felt so excited and grateful. Now a new challenge is ahead of me, I now know what I want, but I have to figure out how to accomplish it. I am incredibly driven and determined, I am discouraged by no's but I won't take them as the final answer. Music is who I am, it is my heartbeat and the thing that brings me joy. I will be a part of the industry one day. I doubt myself more days than I have faith, but I am not giving up on my dream.
I always used to tell my friends that they were so lucky to know what they wanted professionally and personally. I was so distraught by my confusion. I would constantly ask my older peers and adults at work for life advice, what they wished they had done when they were younger and if the way I was feeling was normal. I was desperate for guidance, I truly believed that there was something I was missing. I was determined to find it. It wasn't until I was visiting Guatemala in April of 2019 that I really started to feel like I had found what I was looking for. I was sitting on a bed in a hostel in Antigua, and I realized I had never been more content being alone. Completely alone. I realized in that moment that I've spent my entire life being afraid of one of the healthiest experiences there is. I had to learn to stand alone and listen to my heart.
It's really strange when you realize you're not looking for the same things you once were. Honestly, it scares me some days. It scares me that I feel like I'm ready to have a partner in life and a place I call home. Like maybe the search isn't nearing an end, but the treasure doesn't look the same as it used to. I have read enough personal development books to know how powerful change can be, but I would be lying if I said it doesn't scare the shit out of me. Since I was twenty-two, I feel like i've been constantly searching - whether that was for a completeness to my heart, confidence in myself, a true goal to pursue, or all of the other random things we think we need to make it in life. After going across the world looking for that thing I felt I was missing, it's crazy to realize that what i've been looking for all this time has just been me all along. I am so grateful to have finally found her.
