Once upon a time, I had a dream to live abroad. I was twenty four, and completely lost in what I wanted out of life. I was working at a hospital in the kitchen, staying up until four in the morning so I could go out with my friends and dragging myself out of bed five minutes after I was supposed to leave for my six am work shift.
I spent most of my early post grad life with a shit ton of anxiety that I didn't know was anxiety- and a pressure to work work work and get out of debt. I never grew up with the notion that dreams should be pursued. I never grew up with anyone telling me how I should be treated like a princess. I grew up with constant subliminal and sometimes blatant messages that trained me to believe I didn't deserve much. I was raised in such a way that I also learned to believe that everyone was more important than me.
I lived twenty six years of my life so completely wound up in those toxic beliefs that I didn't even actively think I didn't deserve good things. I didn't wake up and tell myself that others mattered more than me. It was implicit. It was subconscious. It was woven into the fabric of my identity. I also thought that they were truths that essentially everyone lived by. I did not have the awareness that some people advocated for themselves and saw goodness when they looked in the mirror. The sad truth is that this "selfless" way of living has caused me more pain than I ever could have imagined. Maybe even more pain than I could have even brought on intentionally. I have loved and lost over and over and over. The difference is, most of that lost love was not romantic, those losses were few and far between. I was always too afraid to let the people I was falling for into my heart and my world. Because unlike the rest of the world around me, I knew I was delicate and so completely breakable under my tough surface.
I met the first person I ever loved when I was seventeen. He loved me in a way I had never experienced, and it was terrifying to me. I pushed him away, but also tried to keep him close. He owns the first butterflies I ever felt in my stomach, and my first I love you. He made me feel like a person who mattered for the first time in my life, and it terrified me. He brought me smoothies on bad days and told me I was beautiful. I did not know what to do with it.. so I tried to push it away. He told me I was valuable when I felt worthless, and he was by my side for as long as he could manage being pushed around with a ten foot pole.
Just as time has a way of passing, we lost each other. I spent a lot of time debating who was responsible- blaming him in my ignorant childishness and taking ownership when I became an adult.. but it was too late to matter. I wish I could apologize to him, just as I wish I could to my dreams. But life moves on, and so do we. We cannot hold tightly to dreams we won't allow to fly, and we can't keep dissecting a past that we never appreciated when it was our present.
Much like that relationship, I have kept my dreams at bay. I have held them so close to my heart that they have stayed hidden from the world- so they could stay safe. So I could stay safe. From humiliation, disappointment and heartbreak. Although that was my goal, the truth is, this habit of mine has not done me any favors. It has wounded me and broken me. It has kept me from so many beautiful and truly alive experiences in life. As much as I could regret and wish that I had handled things differently, I know that it's all been a part of my journey back to my heartbeat. I am learning to view myself and the passions that live inside of me as important and special. I am learning that fear is a liar and I am no longer willing to let it steal my life from me. I am and have always been full of life and it is way past time to unleash it.
So, I am moving to South Africa in three days. I am taking a risk, leaving what I know- my job, my "home," the belief that my dreams are foolish, doubt, insecurity, broken relationships, and fear fear fear behind. I am trusting that God has me, that [s]he cares about my dreams, my heart, and my future. I am stepping into the freedom that I have been preparing for for so long. With inspirational necklaces, t-shirts, fearless bracelets, and mini trips all over the world.
My mentor told me "sometimes we have to jump with both feet and see where we end up." So, I am doing a nosedive. I am excited for my future for the first time in a while, and I believe that means good things. I know the best is yet to come, and honestly, one of the things I'm most excited for is the very thing I have been most afraid of my entire life. I am excited to fall in love. With people, places, experiences, times in life.. and most importantly- me and my dreams. I am excited to finally let go and come alive.
So, cheers and here's to embracing the unknowns and coming out a boss ass brave beeyotch on the other side. Can't wait to look fear right in the eye and say "LOOK AT THE LIFE I HAVE CREATED DESPITE THE HOLD YOU HAD ON ME."
